Blue

The summer bummers are still here.  Oh wait, is it still spring?  The great mood swing of spring, then.  I can't tell if things are getting better or worse.  There will be a couple of days when things seem hunky-dory followed by a day or two of muddling through. 

I felt this way last summer so I just need to remember it didn't last forever then and it won't last forever this time either.  And I am functioning.  Fundamentally sad, but functioning.  And I also had five really great months in a row before this.

Hang in there, right?

It's really frustrating to do all the right the things (eat, exercise, take vitamins, etc., etc., etc.) and to try so hard all the time and still suffer brain scrambles.  And it's that kind of bad attitude that has made me a little lax in taking good care of myself.

Builds character, right?

So in the meantime I'll just shine it on, invite the gloominess to stay as long as it needs to, and know that this too shall pass.  Hopefully by June.  I have big plans for June.

Bobaloo picked up his bass guitar over the weekend, maybe he can help me write a blues song.

a heart-shaped leaf from my morning walk

a bubble from the weekend

Since the last time I was here...

...I turned 31.

this is me being 31.

...the trees in our yard began to bloom.  It has snowed, rained, and hailed around here.  I am excited to get some geraniums for the patio, they seem to be the only flower I manage to keep alive. 

Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me quite nervous. -Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

...Bobaloo made this recipe for meatball sub hotdish.  Move over macaroni and cheese there is a new comfort food in town.  We made ours with meatless meatballs and dang, this thing is good.  For real.

...April and now May have been proving to be a bit difficult for me.  I think the season change triggered some junk in my head.  My days are spent oscillating between listlessness and and restlessness. 

April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain. -T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

...In other words, my brain is having a hard time connecting the dots.  Again.

...But when my noggin starts acting up it seems to be a good time to take on some creative activities, so that's the plan.

...I haven't been a complete mope.  There has been plenty around here to keep my busy.  Bowling, books, museums, deviled egg competitions, music shows, movies, sunny patio days, etc.

Well, that about catches me up.  What have you been up to?  I hope your spring has been a gentle one.

A Glimpse of a Bad Day

Welcome back despair.  How have you been?  Same old, same old?  Good for you.

Me?  I’ve been content and awesome and satisfied with how hard I work to keep you at a distance.  And then you had the audacity to show up and fuck things up.  Pardon my French, but I think after all of the crap you put me through; you can have a few curse words slung your way.  So, fuck you.

Last week I felt the anxiety swelling up and making a heavy knot in my stomach.  A little later the sinking feeling of worthlessness crept in and my skin started to crawl.  And by the end of the day there were tears and I was the worst person in the universe and nobody loved me and I was a waste of space.  I felt claustrophobic in my own body and wanted to get out of it.  I wanted to be out of my skin.

The sky was falling.

I picked up an anti-anxiety prescription the next day and numbed out.  I took deep breaths and did my best to remember that the sinking feeling wouldn’t last forever and that I have people who love me very much.  And my body and my soul and my skin are blessings.  Blessings I have been charged to care for.

And just as quickly as it came, it was gone.

**Things are back to being hunky-dory**

Hang in There

I was around 10 years old the first time I had the feeling that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.  That was the first time I remember feeling so sad for no good reason.

Most of the time my depressive episodes are manageable.  I try to embrace them and know that this too shall pass.  It can be a blessing to have very temporary emotions, knowing it won't be long before the sadness goes and is replaced with gentler feelings.

At the ages of 19, 25, and 28 I went through my most serious bouts of depression.

Looking back, those were tremendously stressful ages for me.  A lot of life changes were happening, making me much more susceptible to break down.

And I did.  And it was scary.  And it's something I hope I never get used to.

When I was really struggling, someone told me to hang in there.

And I did.

And that became my mantra.

When getting out of bed was too much of a goal for the day.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

While trying to find the energy to go to work for at least a couple of hours.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

When I drank to feel better, knowing tomorrow the shine would wear off.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

While everyone and everything was overwhelming and scary and merciless.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

When I hurt the people I love most.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

When I felt I had no purpose being here.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

Over and over, I would silently recite those three words. 

I remember hanging on like hell to whatever shred of hope I could muster up that day.  And slowly, but oh-so surely, things got better.  And days were brighter.  And life got sweeter.  And I grew happier.  And living became easier.

And when I think of everything I would have missed,

I am so thankful I hung in there.

Brain Stuff

I started seeing a therapist again.  He’s actually the first one who officially diagnosed me.  Ah, memories…

Things in the brain are going well.  I’ve had a couple of freak-outs in June and July but I think it’s because everything just got so busy and I’m a gal who needs some downtime and routine.  Going back to the doctor is more of a preventative thing than anything else.  The goal is to keep learning more coping mechanisms and getting in the habit of breaking them out in real life.  Isn’t it a strange thing having to “cope” with life?

But, I gotta keep that snowball from rolling downhill, don’t ya know?

Hi!

Yikes.  I have got a lot of junk on the brain today.  I am not quite ready to over-share about it, but things are okay.

I have started some long overdue projects over the weekend, one of which is uploading my photos from the computer into a cloud in case the computer decides to crap out.  No easy feat, we have accumulated around 4,000 pics since 2008.

So now I present some of the funny/weird/whatever I found.

I took this first photo by holding the camera out of the window while Bobaloo was driving.  I sent a copy to my Aunt and wrote on the back, "Just a bunch of Colorado asses sayin' Hi!"

 

This next one is my brother and I at my wedding reception (it was Halloween-themed).  I went as Marilyn Monroe and he went as Dwight from The Office.  Has someone had a few cocktails?

 



 

When Bobaloo and I first moved out here, we spent a day hanging out and exploring the city of Denver.  We went to the capitol building trying to find the step that is exactly one mile above sea level.  We thought there would be a huge sign or something to take our picture next to.  Here's reality:

 



 

My family went to Carlsbad, California to see my older brother for Christmas one year.  They had a fire hydrant walking tour.  All of the hydrants were sponsored by a local business and painted by a local artist.  I do not have one picture of me next to the ocean on this trip, but 25 of me posing with fire hydrants.  Dork.

 

 

 

What does everyone got going on for the fourth?

Weekend

With the change of the seasons, I became a little bummed out and generally irritated with everything over the weekend.  So, I took it easy and luckily Bobaloo had plans that involved him leaving the house so he didn't have to endure my sniveling and crankiness too much.  I stayed in, watched movies, picked up the house, and just tried to mellow the heck out.  I kept my contact with outside humans to a minimum.  Just like December, June seems to be a difficult and moody month for me.  I think it's the heat and all of the hustle and bustle of summer.  Along with all of the fun comes a lot of people and a lot of stimulation.  Yikes.  Too much.  Just not in the mood for that business.

On a brighter note, almost every day I have been sticking to some small goals:

• drink a lot of water
• get out into the sunshine
• walk and listen to music
• eat fruits and vegetables
• get 3 things done around the house each day

Small things, I know.  But small things are helping this cantankerous soul out.

I did end the weekend happily by having some delicious grilled foods with Bobaloo and Aaron in the backyard last night.  I tried making barbecue tofu skewers for the first time and they were a hit (with me, the men ate meat).

So there we have it.

Still moving, just needed to slow down for a minute.

Friday!

My favorite day has arrived once more.

Blogging sort of got away from me this week.  Hmmm....

Bobaloo's sunflowers have started to sprout in the yard.  Last weekend I noticed some orange stuff on the side of the house which turned out to be giant poppies.  There are all sorts of plants popping up these days.

Mona the turtle is doing well.  I am planning on building her an outdoor habitat soon which seems ambitious and may involve power tools.  She sure likes her fruits and veggies.  Her favorite is cucumber.

A while back my brother texted me this picture with the caption "I caught a Jill!"  It's a Largemouth Bass.  Hilarious.

 

I sent him this in reply:

Take that, bro!

 

On Sunday I am going to take a class on Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).  I have been trying to be open to more holistic healing methods because prescription medication has been pretty nasty to me in the past.  I like learning about alternative ways of dealing with crap when I am doing well, so I have more "tools" at my side when things aren't too hot.  Anyway, I am looking forward to the class.

 

In fact, I am looking forward to an exciting and action-packed weekend.

 

Happy Friday!

May 3

  I'm keepin' on keepin' on with the above challenge to Blog Every Day in May. Ambitious I know, but there are topics posted for every day. Go check it out. Today's topic is Things that make you uncomfortable so here goes.

I could write an entire book about things that make me uncomfortable.

Having anxiety certainly presents its fair share of things that make me uncomfortable.  Most uncomfortable moments deal with issues of space or not being in control of my surroundings. 

Sometimes those issues creep up, sometimes they don’t.

Some instances of being uncomfortable in no spectacular order:

* Recently I walked over a bridge (sort of ran because it was rather high up) and could not and would not get back over to the other side.  Bobaloo walked back to the hotel to get my Pops to come pick me up in a car.  I knew in my heart of hearts the bridge was not going to suddenly break and I knew I wasn't going to accidentally fall off, but nonetheless I seriously cried over this:

This is the pedestrian bridge, for real yo.



* Every once in a while riding on the highway in the passenger seat of a car can be a horrible experience.  I am not sure if it’s the speed or the other drivers or the fact that I am not driving but some days it’s just too much to handle.

*  Every 8-12 months I get on an airplane, freak out, and vow to never get on another plane again, forget about aforementioned vow 8-12 months later, lather, rinse, and repeat.

*  Eating in front of strangers is bizarre and uncomfortable, weddings are a nightmare.

*  The self checkout at the grocery store is an endless source of anxiety for me which is weird because I usually prefer to interact with machines rather than people.  I think it's because the fruit and vegetables get priced wrong with the scanner and the scary Overlord of Groceries has to come over and boss me around.

*  Experiencing new things by myself isn’t my strong suit.  It’s not the new experience so much as the not getting lost on the way there, finding where to park, what if I wrote down the wrong day or time, expectation management, I don't know what's happening, what if I start panicking, am I breathing normal, etc.

Long story short, I make me incredibly uncomfortable.

I am learning to work harder and smarter at mental health.  Four years after diagnosis, I think I am finally getting it figured out.  It can be arduous having to self monitor all the time.  Truthfully, when I have my setbacks it is because I get so tired of having to constantly scrutinize moods and what is normal (or habitual) for me. 

It is a lot of work to compare what my moods and actions are to those around me in a particular setting.  It hurts when everyone is in slow motion and I am turning like a pinwheel.  It’s devastating when I am sad and everyone else’s life goes on.  Comparing is necessary to keep me in check, but comparing is a reminder that I am not like them.

My husband and I made the choice a couple of years ago to be open and honest about my mental illness.  Keeping a secret on top of everything just seemed like too much.  Bipolar II and General Anxiety Disorder.  Sometimes getting that reality out of my mouth is easier than others.  It depends where I am at (mentally), where I am at (physically), and who I am speaking with.

People have been overwhelmingly nice and speak about their experiences with loved ones who struggle with mental illness.  They make me okay with things; it’s been an amazing experience.  I don’t know why this was so surprising to me.

Some people don’t understand.   I have lost friends and have been disappointed by relationships I thought were more genuine than they turned out to be.  Sometimes people look at struggle as a character flaw.  I don’t know if I want people in my life who don’t struggle.

The good ones know the certainty of my heart and the strength of my character. 

You learn who your friends are.  You learn who sticks it out.  They understand if you drop out of the world for months at a time and they forgive times when you are agitated and times when you just aren’t quite yourself.

It is a strange thing to have your mind turn against your body, to have your body rebel against its own nature.  And it is difficult to explain to people.  You feel foreign, like you don’t fit anywhere.  The world gets a bit lonely.

I have recently begun to notice the more honestly I chat with people, the more connected I feel to the kindness in the world.  Chance encounters now have more depth.

It’s brave to have heart.

To have had the possibility to understand myself better through others is a gift I am very thankful for.