Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Shades of Okay

For the first time since August, I feel sober when I am sober. Steadiness and control have never come naturally to me. For many years, I accepted the fact that I would have to work harder at gladness and ease than other people. Under stress, my psychosis ran away from me and my brain was very unkind. Varying degrees of melancholy and excessive happiness took hold and had absolute jurisdiction over my every thought and every movement.

For a long time people have found me strange and unnerving. I suppose, not comfortable in my own skin would be the best way to put it. At least that is how I felt I was perceived, I have long ago accepted my social clumsiness. This has been thwarting, painful, and most of all lonely. I thank my lucky stars I have such lovely friends who have seen me through my thorny years.

Social anxiety and mania make life extremely hard to live. It is terrifying to find life unlivable and forget who you are and where your spirit is. Fortitude was lost on my youth. Was I crazy? Was I having a quarter-life crisis? Was it hereditary? Was it all in my head? So much uncertainty and no reprieve.

It is strange what a capsule of medication can do. Or cannot do, for that matter. Side effects are sinister. The commercials on TV do not help. Moreover, the commercials gave me enough of a reason to put off getting help.

Never take for granted the ability to think clear and concise thoughts. The ability to feel effortless enjoyment, the gift of getting through the day without a fight. That was then, this is now. Minutes, hours, and days are infinitely easier. I never knew that living and breathing could be so unforced and natural. I like it. What a change from wanting to pack it all in and give up. I want to forget the hardships, but also recognize the importance in remembering them. Such are the vicissitudes of life. I will leave them here for now.

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